Web Class - Motivated Monkeys

Scientists in the United States have found a way of turning lazy monkeys into workaholics using gene therapy.

Those crazy scientists... will they never learn...?

Monkeys aren't lazy... they just have a different priority structure. Like women.

Apparently,

"Monkeys under the influence of the treatment don't procrastinate."

Honestly... I didn't make that up. Someone really wrote that. God, I love monkeys.

Mainstream - Mr Chester

It occurs to me that in some ways, being in a relationship impedes a man's ability to feel emotion, and that long term this may begin to cause problems.

It might just be me, of course.

The reason this thought skitters across my mind is that Sunday last, there was a storm over Impedimentia.

Actually, that isn't exactly right. That's like saying that the reason I got sick on omelette the other day is because one day there was a chicken. And if we're being as abstract as that, the reason this thought actually skitters across my mind is because recently we moved house. And if we're being that nit-picky, it's actually because I met this girl. Which is how all good stories, tragedies, triumphs and nervous breakdowns with scattered alcoholism should begin.

And then ultimately, if one extends one's point, it boils down to it all being my mother's fault.

(As an aside, Dry Your Eyes by The Streets has started playing on the radio, and I yet again realise that I'll have to find a new favourite song on that album, as the wonderful triumphant melancholy of that song has been undercut for me by overheard yobs on Friday night busses, Saturday night glass-crusted pavements, and at top volume after the traditional Sunday night through-the-wall neighbour domestic incident.)

Anyway, on Sunday night, there was a storm. And at some point during that storm, one of our two prized pusses, Mr Chester, failed to return home. He didn't come home for his dinner, and then he didn't come home when called before our bedtime.

The missus didn't actually register this, as she was having a drunken night in with the other grandmother of our dog's puppies. I only vaguely registered it, as although Mr Chester is a particularly neurotic specimen, and never normally misses a meal, cats are notoriously unreliable animals, and he could easily have been weathering the storm somewhere sheltered.

He's good at finding shelter. It's actually quite impressive how often he arrives home with obviously pampered and groomed fur.

It wasn't until he didn't come in for dinner the following day that the situation was noteworthy... he has never in all his six years missed two meals in a row.

But of course, I had to play down the fear factor when talking to the missus, because of the almost immediate, if barely held in check, panic which was evident there. In coming up with all the rational arguments of why he would be back and healthy within hours, to calm her down, I almost convinced myself of them.

It wasn't until, three days after disappearing, she found him sunning himself on the front lawn of our old house, and dragged him home hissing and scratching, that I realised how fully I'd conned myself that I was completely confident of his return.

Mr Chester never misses a meal. He always responds when you call his name, and he's very emotionally dependent on us. Mr Winton, on the other hand, can take us or leave us. They're a completely contrasting pair of cats. It was completely out of character for Mr Chester to disappear, and if I'm honest with myself, I was pretty certain something horrible had happened to him.

And really, I dreaded the thought that it might have.

But at no point did I get the chance to actually properly feel that dread. I know it was there, because I had terrible dreams while we didn't know where he was. There was just no way that I could show it, because I knew that the slightest show of concern on my part would probably give my lady's panic the foothold it needed and she'd freak out. It was a close thing anyway.

I know that this sounds like a drama over nothing... the reason I know that is because I said it to her enough times. If it had been Mr Winton, well, he disappears for days at a time, and then turns up again like he'd never left. But Mr Chester... well, he's a very delicate soul. It's difficult not to worry about him. Not unlike the missus.

It occurs to me now, the thought skittering across my mind, that I really have lost the thread of what I was trying to say. Ah, well, the cat is home, now. Panic over till the next tilling over of panic.

Brain Fart - High Speed Loving...

Do you remember a time when "High Speed Dubbing" seemed like the most amazing technological advance? I may be getting old.

Web Class - Shoot!

On the subject of youth killings, and whether or not they are caused by media influences, I present the best thing I've read on the subject.

A few years back, Warren Ellis ran into problems at DC comics, with a story he'd written for Hellblazer, one of their horror comics. The comic was withdrawn at the very last second, because of it's potential controversial nature. Which, you know, was a fucking stupid situation all round, especially considering the nature of the comic's observations, but that's just the way it goes with corporate media, unfortunately.

Anyway, some enterprising sorts have managed to get hold of scans of the comic, and have put them online, here: Shoot.

If this link dies (it may do... Time Warner have the lawyers to do shit like that) just google the words "Warren", "Ellis", "Shoot" and "Hellblazer" all at once, and you should find it again.

Catharsis - Manhunt Update

Of the "Evil Games" industry, The Daily Mail say:

"Regulation? Forget it. Clearly, it will take official action to end this poisoning of young minds."

This of course is a direct response to the Manhunt story that took over the front pages of a few papers for about thirty seconds last week. The front page longevity of the story is pretty telling in itself, but that's another rant for another time.

Game kept their alibi firmly intact, and salvaged some dignity, by saying:

"As a mark of respect, we have removed the title from the shelves."

This skillfully bypasses the potential hypocritical post-mortem moralising that would have sent many (and I am guilty of this) into a rage. If they'd tried to claim that there was any actual ethical reason for shit-canning the game, Game could easily have come into criticism from the likes of... well, me, for jumping on a moral bandwagon that shows inconsistent internal quality control. I mean, as ridiculous as The Entertainer's overtly Christian attitude to retail is, at least it's consistently ridiculous. For Game and Dixons to withdraw Manhunt from sale now on moral grounds would be for them to claim a tenuous moral high-ground, but also a complete ignorance of the stock they've already been selling for months. Retrospectively, it doesn't make them look that good.

HMV have impressed me with their unwillingness to kowtow. It occurs to me now that I don't actually know what kowtow exactly means, or even if that's how you spell it, but it seems to fit. A spokesmen there said:

"If it has been certificated by the relevant bodies, then we don't want to control what people should and shouldn't buy."

Yay, HMV.

I'm still constantly surprised when I meet people who don't realise that censorship, and it's use as an alternative to social responsibility, is a BAD thing.

Oh, and by the way:

"The story of the “Manhunt” murder case took another twist with the revelation that the game was present in the victim’s home, not the killer’s."

So, apparently, Manhunt's evil is really that it turns children into the victims of violent crimes, rather than the perpetrators. Of course, I'm being arch and deliberately misreading the information so that it fits my beliefs. I'm a citizen. I'm allowed to do that. It's not like I'm a news source or anything.

Yet again, the disgusting mis-representation of information so that it fits an agenda by the media is in evidence and completely reprehensible. It's annoying when they do it about someone off the telly, but it's completely sickening when they do it with such a tragedy. Yet another despicable agenda built on the bodies of dead children. Lovely.

One thing that a lot of people haven't realised from exposure to this story is that the murder was apparently robbery motivated. It doesn't detract from the violence of the crime, but it's ommission from a lot of the media coverage does completely shift the focus of the tragedy. It's not often that I can say this, but I'm really impressed with the police's stance in this affair. While not pro-games, it's non-commital and mildly aggravated in a way that I wouldn't have expected:

“We haven’t connected the game with the murder and we’ve already made that statement, but some sections of the media chose to ignore it... the motive was robbery.”

I'm still quite fond of my theory that the retail chains have decided to drop Manhunt in a very shrewd effort to minimise some pretty major potential impending damage. I think they're hoping that the Daily Mail and co will feel vindicated enough by them adopting submissive pose, and get distracted by Evil Asylum Seekers, or Evil Fundamentalist Welsh Terrorists instead, so that when "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" comes out in a couple of months, it will be under the rabid media's radar. Manhunt's apparently dissapointing sales make it an easy lamb to sacrifice, but few of the retailers can afford to miss out on GTA: SA, when the previous two games in the franchise have achieved such massive sales.